Topic Includes: Forgiving fiancé for cheating. Forgiving something that happened in the past.

Ask the Author: Question and Response
 

Two years ago, my fiancé cheated on me. He told me about it, told me he was sorry and would do whatever it takes to make it right. He has tried, I will give him that. But for some reason, I just won't let it go. I do not know how. All I have done since that day is put him down and throw every single little thing he has done wrong in his face. I find fault in everything he says and does. I guess in a sense, one could say I am trying to hurt him like he hurt me. I grew up in a Christian family, but I have not always lived that life. I feel as if I am lost and do not know where to go from here. I do not want to lose him, because honestly he is a great person. I know God has a plan for everyone, and everything happens for a reason. How do you forgive someone? How do you just let go of the anger and move on? I need to know and I have prayed and prayed. How do we move on and forget what has been done to us? I know Jesus did, and I wish I was that strong. I told my fiancé that I did forgive him, but I really haven't. I don't like lying. I need to forgive him.

- Nikki, Kentucky, USA

There is nothing wrong with you or your fiancé. You were simply given an incomplete map. Those who gave you the map believed it was complete because those who gave them the map said it was complete. And thus you are lost and feel lost.

In life you have learned how to react and behave mainly by the examples set by your family, friends and society. Most, if not all, had your best interests in mind, but they can only teach you what they know; they can only react to life the way they know how to react. Many of their lessons have been helpful, and some not so much so. But do not judge them, for they themselves only taught you - as they themselves were taught.   

And so this is where you are today - reacting to life the way you have learned and have been taught to react to life; reacting to your fellow being the way you have been programmed to. But you are not your programmed self. The truth within you is that you are a completely loving and compassionate human being. As much as others have hidden this treasure from you, something tells you that you have the capacity for more - for more love and compassion, for more forgiveness and understanding.

Deep down inside, you know that there is something missing in the lesson plan, that the journey is not over, nor have you reached the destination you desire. You know this and thus your prayers for assistance. Today I am a witness that those prayers have been answered, and that you are now on the verge, just a few choices away from taking a wonderful step toward your true home.

It is because of your current need for expressing your true self that this question has surfaced. It is because of who and where you are today that you have brought about this opportunity for a truer self expression. It is because of who you are today that many people, many of whom you’ll never meet, through the manifestation of this answer, will grow in ways that will assist this planet in getting to a more peaceful place. So do not judge who you are today, but respect who you are today, for this person has awakened a memory within us all; a memory that will soon lighten the world’s load.

You desire a moment, a holy instant, where the past is gone. You desire a place where the peace of God surrounds you in its soft embrace, and where forgiveness forever flows to all you look upon. This, my friend, is your true home, and this place is what you are asking yourself to remember and express.  

Whenever you experience peace, love, forgiveness, joy and abundance, know that you are living in this place, the moment, the present moment, and thank all of your friends and family that have assisted you in getting here. Whenever you experience judgment, stress, confusion and regret, know that you are living in the past. But instead of judging yourself, your family or friends for being lost, instead thank them, for they are showing you a place where you desire not to be, and thus you can now erase it from your map, and move in a more desired direction.

In the moment, you can only have one true home, and it is the place that you value most in every occasion that you will call home and end up experiencing. My friend, you are now an adult and the choices are clear, the choices are yours and yours alone. You have the choice to live in the past or in the present, the choice between pain or peace, between judgment and forgiveness, between condemnation and compassion. These are the choices you have in every moment. Every moment you choose between living in Hell or Heaven, but know this - it is your choice.

When you choose Hell, when you choose judgment, stress, fear or condemnation - do not curse yourself or your situation - simply smile and thank it, for Hell is simply a reminder of where you truly desire not to be. And Heaven is always just a choice away. But it is you, even when everyone and everything else is telling you otherwise, who must stand up straight and look in Heaven’s direction in order to experience it. 

1 - All distress, regardless of form, comes about because of unforgiveness. When under distress, simply say this to yourself: “I will forgive and I will see this differently.” These are the words that will end the dream of sin, and rid the mind of fear. These are the words that will give you power over all events that now seem to have power over you. Apply these words to everything you see, to everyone you look upon. God wills you not to suffer, but it is you who has the final choice between pain or peace. Anytime pain seems real, know that there remains an unforgiveness hiding somewhere in the mind.

2 - Place the past in God’s hands and the past will punish you no longer.  God wishes you to experience His Home. In every moment, you have the choice between God’s Home or the ego’s delusions. How much longer will you buy into the ego’s deceptions that your brother and sister are worth something less than your complete love and forgiveness. Place every apprehension, every care and every form of suffering – in God’s hands.  

3 - Understand the difference between your brother and your brother’s action. Your brother is an eternal being. Your brother’s action lived but a short moment in time. Your brother’s action lives somewhere in the past, and only you can extend it into the present by choosing to put your focus on it. It is your thoughts, not his actions that bring you fear, and thus your liberation depends on you. Once you understand that it is impossible to be hurt except by your own thoughts, you will take a step away from bondage, and take a step toward a place of peace and freedom. 

4 - In the present moment, if you can’t forgive your fiancé, have Christ forgive him for you. Christ lives within you and within your fiancé. If you can’t find the strength to forgive your fiancé, then allow the Christ in you to forgive the Christ in your fiancé. Christ stands in front of you every time you see your brother. And by the freedom you give to him you will have your own. And so you will walk toward Heaven or toward Hell, but not alone. God can not take your pain away from you without your willingness. He needs you to prefer he take it from you, than that you keep it for yourself.

5 - You let go of anger by stopping your investment in anger. If you have a company that is failing, you can still keep it active as long as you want, as long as you keep investing more money into it. Anger is much the same. You can not continue to experience such an emotion unless you’re investing your time and effort in supporting and feeding that emotion. The key here is you. You have the key to starve anger until it is not strong enough to participate in your life, or to feed it and thus allow it to grow becoming a bigger and bigger part of your life.  

6 - If in the moment, you allow the past to sneak in, simply forgive it, and give it over to God. You let go of the past by forgiving it. If you do, God will carry it for you and it will dissolve in His Loving light. Forgive yourself for thinking of it. Instead of judging the situation, as the ego has led you to do so many times before, send a blessing to all involved in that situation, then let it go, and come back to the present moment. Then offer gratitude to God for letting you understand your own power, the power you have to participate in the present moment as you wish to. And then feel God’s gratitude for you, for He knows that you now will be an example to all of your lost brothers and sisters. Do this each and every time until it becomes second nature.

7 - Understand that you and your brother are one, and what you do to him you will be doing to yourself. Your brother is connected to God, you are connected to God, thus you and your brother are connected to each other. Therefore what you do to him, you will feel yourself. You are hurting yourself; you are bringing the past into the present. You are hurting inside, and you want your fiancé to understand that you are hurting, and thus you hurt him in an effort to express your own pain.

It is you who chooses to let all these negative, heavy and painful feelings and emotions flow through you before they touch your brother. They flow through your brain, changing the chemical composition in your blood, that same blood that flows through your heart.

If you are hurting yourself, but do not understand that you are doing so, this will create confusion in your mind. If day after day, week after week, confusion piles upon itself, this will create a state of chaos. But this confusion and chaos is self-inflicted. Once you realize this, it will create an opportunity of great growth. For it is you who holds the key to your peace of mind and joy - you and no one else.

Instead of playing the ego’s game and trying to hurt your brother, when all you are doing is hurting yourself - just make a decision that you no longer choose to play this absurd game! For your ability to feel judgment, pain and regret is great but it is not without limit. There will come a day when you will look in the mirror and say: “Enough is enough. I am done hurting others. I am done hurting myself.”

8 - You have the power to create the life you want. All answers are within you now. A question comes about because the answer within you is asking for a verbal and physical expression to be manifested in your life. You mention that you told him that you did forgive him and at the same time you write: “All I have done since that day is put him down and throw every single little thing he has done wrong in his face. I find fault in everything he says and does.” If you do “thing A” once and you do “thing B” a hundred times, which reality are you creating, supporting and manifesting in your life? Listen to what I just said - “Which reality are You creating, supporting and manifesting in your life?” It is You who has the power to create the life you want!

From now on, create the life you truly desire to experience. Each and every time you think about putting him down, each and every time you think of throwing every little thing he has done wrong in his face, each and every time you find fault in something he does - STOP YOURSELF, and ask yourself: “What is the life I truly want to live and experience? Do I want a life of judgment or forgiveness, a life of condemnation or compassion, a life of stress or a life of peace?” Then invite Christ in, and have Him lead you. Allow Him to act and speak through you until you have experienced enough clarity to see what it is your truly desire.

9 - What would Jesus do? This is the one thought you need to repeat to yourself a hundred times a day until it becomes second nature. Jesus came to set an example. If you desire to be as strong as Jesus, you can do this! If you desire to follow His example and one day be the physical manifestation of that example to your children - then start today!

Each and every time the ego is asking you to judge someone, stop yourself and ask yourself: “What would Jesus do?” and then do what He would do. Every time a negative thought pops into your mind about yourself or your brother or sister, stop yourself and ask yourself: “How would Jesus think about this person?” And then allow Him to think for you. Every time you catch yourself starting to do something that may be hurtful to yourself or others, stop yourself, and ask yourself: “What would Jesus do?” Then allow Him to act through you. Every time you notice yourself saying something that is nasty, gossipy or hurtful to someone, stop yourself, and ask yourself: “What would Jesus say to this person?” Then allow Him to speak through you. The more you do this, the more natural it will become.

10 – Invite your fiancé to participate and become a full partner in your growth and development. Be honest with your fiancé about your desires to grow as a woman and partner. Share with him everything you are trying to accomplish. Share with him that you’re practicing ‘staying in the moment’ and trying to choose compassionate behavior over condemnation, that you’re trying to let go of the past and live more lovingly and freely in the moment. Give your fiancé the permission to be open with you. Give him permission to express to you when he is feeling judged by you. Also, ask him to praise you when he sees and feels you living more in the moment during your day. Little by little, do the same with your family and friends, and invite them to participate in your personal growth and development. I promise you, all will be blessed, and all will grow because of your strength and courage.

Conclusion: You’ve had a deep internal desire to express your true self in your daily life, and thus the question was formed in order that you may more clearly see what it is you truly desire to experience. The answer has now been given a voice, and it is now you who hold the power to do with your life what you deem fit. Know that you have the strength of Christ within you now. He is asking you for a greater expression of Him through you. Be an example to your brothers and sisters that Christ lives in all of us, all the time. And that every moment allows us to experience Him through the choices we make, through the thoughts we entertain, by what we say to each other, and how we choose to participate in each other’s lives.

The strength of Christ is in you now. You need simply look His way and He will lead you to a more loving place for you and your fiancé. This is His will for you, that you look upon all brothers and sisters through His eyes until you can see them through your own. The present moment always allows you to begin anew. It is here where His smile brightens even the darkest of days. Behold a new day is at hand, a day where compassion can now replace condemnation, where you finally let go of pain and experience the peace of mind you truly desire. Behold a day where fault no longer flies, where regret no longer resurfaces, where love is always available, and where forgiveness has now set both of you free.
 

Note:  To read more about forgiveness, you may want to read Chapter Seven Overview: Freedom Through Forgiveness.
 

View larger images of front & back cover 
of the great spiritual / self development book You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey from Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.