Ask the Author: Question & Response
I have a seven year old son with a man who passed away two years ago. While we were together he was extremely abusive, not as much physically as emotionally, and to try to move on – I had to turn myself off inside. I found a lot of things out after he passed away that made me feel angry and hurt. It has been two years and I am having a hard time getting my life back. How do you forgive someone who isn’t there, and how do you get yourself back? Also, thank you for recommending the other books.
– Heidi, Massachusetts, USA
My friend, even when your child’s physical body is not around you, isn’t your child still with you on some level? While at work, doesn’t the slightest thought of him bring him immediately back into your heart and mind? Can the thought of your child or something he did make you smile or laugh – even when he’s not with you? Can a momentary thought of him brighten and bring comfort to you – even during your darkest and loneliest nights? Can the memory of a special hug embrace you – even years after the act?
My friend, a relationship does not end with the physical departure of the person. Relationships never end. They simply change forms. You ask: “How do you forgive someone who isn’t there?” You have not seen this man in two years, yet is he not still with you? And if he is still with you, doesn’t the possibility for forgiveness still exist? And if the possibility for forgiveness exists where you once believed it did not, doesn’t this make it an opportunity? Isn’t this opportunity to forgive and move forward, in and of itself, a gift to you and your son? Wouldn’t your son be grateful that his mother can now have the ability to get her life back? And, if this man is available for you to forgive him, wouldn’t his final act turn from one of emotional abuse to one of emotional freedom?
Allow me to retell a story from You Have Chosen to Remember that will give you some background information on my personal development through a similar situation.
“Making Peace with a Loved One Who Has Passed On” (pages 302 – 304):
My grandmother, as I mentioned before, had always been more of a father figure than a mother figure to me. She had a very strong personality. Her personal relationship with me, my brother and mother was that of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Her tongue was sharper than any knife and she had an absolute inability to ever say that she was wrong. I never, in my 33 years of life with her, heard her say she was sorry. I grew up with my grandmother, mother and brother. Although she seemed to care for us, it was a very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive environment to grow up in. I don’t think she ever realized how much she mentally crushed us every time she verbally, emotionally and physically attacked us.
My grandmother, before she passed away, had been very sick for about a year and a half. Although we had nurses providing 24-hour care, our family also took turns sleeping in her bedroom. My night was Wednesdays, and as soon as I was given Wednesday night, I felt that was the night she would choose to go. So for a year and a half, we took turns sleeping over. On the night of March 20, 2001, we all felt the time of her passing was near. Then again, with my grandmother, you never knew.
Most of the family visited that day, and by 11 p.m., most of them had gone home. The nurses and I were in her bedroom and my Aunt Cari was in the kitchen. At 11:30 p.m. I decided to go to sleep so I put the recliner chair next to my grandmother’s bed. My body faced her body. I had left a couple of feet between the recliner and her bed so that the nurses could get next to her if they needed to do so.
I began to meditate. I prayed, three “Our Fathers” and three “Hail Mary’s.” I then mentally invited my guides into the room, and then invited, one by one, Mother Mary, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Next, I invited my grandmother’s guides and family members she knew who were on the other side. I asked them all to join me in filling the room with love and light. The feeling in the room was great. I literally felt as if I wore a one-foot-thick coat of peace and love from my waist up. I then asked them to help end my grandmother’s suffering and take her home. A few moments after my request, the nurse tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my grandmother had opened her eyes once, closed them, and had finally passed on. It was 12:12 a.m.
As soon as I got up from the recliner to see my grandmother, my Aunt Cari ran into the room. She was very upset, and a little panicked. Although now completely out of the meditative state, I could still feel that one-foot-thick layer of peace coating my upper body and head. I immediately calmed my aunt down and told her that my grandmother, her mother, was finally at peace. She calmed down pretty quickly and began to make phone calls. I later asked her how she knew that Mamina, my grandmother, had passed away if no one had told her. She said that Mamina had come to the kitchen in spirit form seconds before she passed away to tell her that she was now leaving. By the time she ran into the room, my grandmother had passed on. Once the family began arriving at the house, I openly shared with them my experience and it seemed to bring them peace, especially to my uncle, my grandmother’s only son, who had always been extremely close to her.
Three days after her death, I went into meditation and quickly found myself out of my body, being taken to a room. I say taken because many times when you’re out of your body, you are taken by the hand or hips by a guide to different places. In this room, there was a simple wooden table and two chairs. In one of the chairs, there sat my grandmother. I saw her, and sat down on the opposite chair. I was not in shock that I was there with her, for I knew that this would happen sooner or later. But I was amazed at how she started our conversation. She looked at me and began to talk. “I’m sorry” were her first words to me. These two simple words carried so much weight that just hearing them from her helped me release a lot of feelings I had suppressed. I considered myself to be a spiritual being, and I had made myself believe that these two words were really not necessary for me to hear from her. I absolutely felt that I was above needing to hear those two words. But I now know that I was completely wrong. For those two little words allowed me to free myself from a lot of the hidden pain and anger that I thought I was above feeling, but I now know I still retained toward her. In the spirit world, a small phrase like I’m sorry is not so much two words that express regret. In that space, those words can carry with them a massive thought form – many of the reasons why you are sorry, and it was this that I felt. With those two words, the past was truly forgiven, and with true forgiveness came an absolute release, a total letting go of thoughts and emotions I had once thought I had already dealt with but had simply hidden away from my awareness. I’m sorry – no other two words could have offered me so much freedom when it came to my relationship with my grandmother. There was an immediate acceptance on my part, and we were then free to continue our relationship on a much deeper and meaningful level. 7
A relationship does not need to end with the physical passing of a loved one. The relationship can consciously continue even after death, and peace can be found. All relationships are as eternal as the souls that fuel them. It is simply your free will to decide how conscious you choose to be during its transformation and development. If you truly desire peace with a loved one who has passed away, then you will achieve peace.
My friend, if you hold pain, anger, regret and sadness in any form toward someone who has passed on, will you allow the possibility that you can also achieve their opposite? Love is eternal, and it is eternally available. Forgiveness is eternal, and it is also eternally available. If your pain, anger, regret and sadness continue to survive after this man’s passing, will you allow the possibility of believing that love and forgiveness can also survive? The ego might have convinced you that this is impossible. But I will remind your heart, and your heart will remember, that there is nothing more gratifying or rewarding. There is nothing more fulfilling, and there is nothing more beautiful and liberating.
I recommend a meditation that offers you the possibility for peace. My friend, angels and guides are at your beck and call. You simply need to invite them to assist you, and with honor and pleasure, they will heed your call. You might have previously believed that obtaining peace with this man was impossible. This meditation offers you the opposite of what has brought you pain, anger, regret and sadness. You have allowed pain, anger, regret and sadness to exist even after his death. Will you, for a moment, open your mind and allow the possibility that love and forgiveness can also survive and replace such emotions even after his death? Offer your brother one honest moment of forgiveness, and in return, you will obtain freedom, peace of mind and joy.
If, for whatever reason, you do not experience the results you are looking for the first time you try the meditation, do not judge or criticize yourself. Simply keep practicing it until you feel peace with regard to the brother who has passed on. Be open, for peace may arrive in many forms. Do not concern yourself with the form or a specific type of experience, but simply invite and be open to receiving peace. Peace will be offered, and you will experience a shift.
Meditation / Guided Visualization: Obtaining Peace with a Loved One Who Has Passed On:
Before going to bed, sit in a chair next to or near your bed. Make sure that you will not be disturbed. Turn the phone off, if you need to.
Close your eyes.
Take a few minutes to focus on slow, deep breaths. With each inhale, feel light coming in and filling your body. With each exhale, feel the stresses of the day being released.
Concentrate on the top of your head. Fill it with light and feel it getting heavier and more relaxed. Then do the same with your forehead, eyebrows, cheeks and chin. Feel these parts of your body filling with light and getting heavier and more relaxed.
Continue with your neck, shoulders, chest, back, stomach, thighs, calves and feet. One by one, fill them with light and feel them getting heavier and more relaxed.
Say a few prayers. Any prayers are fine, especially ones that come directly from your heart.
Invite your guides of love and light (you need not know who they are) or any self-actualized beings you would feel comfortable and comforted by to join you. See them with you. Feel their love for you embracing and protecting you. In your mind, envision yourself with them in a beautiful room completely filled with divine love and light. They are all here to support you and help you move past any self-limiting thoughts you might be holding on to.
Bring forward whatever challenges concern you. Speak from your heart. Ask for guidance about the issues you are dealing with. Be open to receiving guidance, be it through dreams, visions, thoughts or other means.
Invite the brother who passed away to now join all of you in this room. Do not be afraid to do this. You are so protected, loved and supported that now is the right time. Since he passed away, your brother has grown and developed into a more loving and peaceful being. Trust me when I say that your effort is immensely appreciated by him. For this will also help him move forward.
With everyone there, speak from your heart. Tell this being everything you need to tell him. It is now time to say whatever you have been holding within. Do not be afraid to say or feel whatever you need to. He will listen. He will now understand. He supports you in freeing yourself from these thoughts and emotions, for he now knows that as you free yourself, you also free him.
After you have had your say, spend some time listening. Listen to him apologize for his hurtful behaviors. Feel him truly mean all the words he is saying. Feel him, sincerely and deeply from his heart, apologize to you and your child for what he has done. Listen to him ask for forgiveness. Feel his deep desire for forgiveness.
My friend, it is now your turn to forgive, to truly let go of all that has chained you to your past. With all your heart and mind, forgive this man for his errors. Feel the chains breaking from your heart as you forgive all you once thought you could not. Feel yourself and him becoming free to move forward in your own lives in peace. He offers you a smile in gratitude, for his chains are now also broken and dissolving in this light.
This being will continue to work on his development at home (Heaven) for now. Know that from this light, he will also support your efforts to move forward in your life. Know that your spiritual family, from this light, will also be supporting your development.
Have faith that you have been heard, that what you experienced is real, and that your life will now begin to improve because of your brave effort.
Offer gratitude for the time you have spent in this peaceful place with your guides and friends. Offer thanks for their assistance with this issue. Understand that you have an open invitation to come into this light with any issue that you may have.
Be silent for a while. Feel the light that surrounds you. Feel the peace, gratitude and love that envelops you.
Slowly begin to move your hands and feet. Then begin to move the rest of your body. Open your eyes. Go to bed. Sleep.
This meditation will work. It will bring you more peace with regard to whatever issue you bring to the light. Trust, speak from your heart, listen, and be open – nothing more is asked of you. You may practice this meditation as often as you wish. The more you do it, the more connected you will feel.
The more you bring problems and issues to the light:
the easier they will be for you to see, work on and resolve,
the less you will worry about them during the day,
the more peace you will experience,
the more you’ll feel connected to this light, and
the more grateful you will feel.
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