Giving To Those Who Abuse & Take Advantage

Ask the Author: Question & Response

I am constantly giving to people who are lonely, afraid, mean, worse off financially and need help. But for years, I have experienced the ones I give money to break in and steal more; and the one’s I help with loneliness (bring them to events, introduce them to others) then take advantage and wear me out. You wrote when “you experience loneliness, give to someone lonely. Give love when you are not experiencing it.” If I am truly giving and giving, isn’t there something that I am doing wrong for this to be happening so often?

When you are kind to someone who is mean and then they become violent and then they harass and stalk you and you give more kindness and they become dangerous (think Amber Frey and Scott Peterson), how can I keep helping these souls that cry and need love so much without physically getting hurt? Turning away and ignoring their calls, even as I pray for them, seems so cruel to ignore. Constantly, I pray and thank God for the gift that He has sent. I acknowledge that there is a lesson. I know God does not tell us to unlock our doors and let others in to harm us. But when they are so desperately needing help and they keep calling and calling, begging for a friendship, then as soon as you try again, it becomes physically dangerous. It does seem that I must be dong something wrong. 

– Sara, Florida, USA


You write: “how can I keep helping these souls that cry and need love so much… turning away and ignoring their calls… seems so cruel to ignore.” A lot of times, spiritually developed individuals have an easier time hearing other people’s calls for love and healing than they have hearing their own.

It is time to hear and understand your own calls for love and healing. And it is incredibly important that you look within and figure out what you are doing to bring these destructive patterns and personalities into your life.

What you are currently experiencing in your life is the result of what you are choosing to experience on some level. The people that you have in your life are the people you have allowed and are allowing into your life. Regardless of the form of the relationships, they are as they are because you are supporting their form and continuation. The people you are interacting with are the people who mirror, on some level, the thoughts in your mind. The abusive people are the physical manifestations of the unconscious blocks within your mind to the awareness of love’s presence. They appear in your life, and you seek them and are unconsciously attracted to them, because they have some lessons for you that you unconsciously believe they can teach. They are in your life because you are trying to tell yourself something. They are the closest physical manifestations that you can come up with to remind yourself of what that something is. Sometimes you need a gentle tug to remind you of something. Sometimes you need more than a gentle tug. The choice of the firmness of the tugs is yours to make, your free will.

Okay, that being said, let’s look at these personalities and patterns that you have been choosing to experience. I ask you to first look at yourself. How self-loving are you? Ask yourself how self-loving is it to bring people into your life who “steal… take advantage… wear me out… are violent… harass and stalk… become dangerous?” If you heard this description of someone, would you say that this person is self-loving? If you heard this description of someone, would you say that this person probably suffers, cries, stresses out, lives in fear and needs love? How can an individual who lacks self-love truly “keep helping these souls that cry and need love so much?” My dear friend, listen to what you are telling yourself.

First, work on healing yourself; work on your foundation. Once the foundation is solid, you will be able to build something much greater than you ever thought possible, and you will be able to heal much more than you ever imagined. Because of your past experiences, you will be able to guide and assist other people who will one day walk down the same road you now travel. You will look at your past and thank it, and thank those who participated in it, because without them, you could not as completely and competently help those in need of your wisdom.

Yes, my dear friend, there are many people, most of whom you do not yet know, who are awaiting your development, advice and awakening. As you awaken, you will begin to attract those who are also on their journey of awakening. By healing your hurts and wounds, you will no longer consciously or unconsciously attract those who hurt and wound you. Instead, you will attract those who are looking to heal themselves.

So how do you start looking in the mirror, understanding your hurt and wounds, and working on developing more self-love? Start by seeking professional help, a good therapist, someone professionally trained to listen and pay attention, and assist you in developing proper boundaries. There is not a person on this planet, including myself, who can not grow and prosper from such a relationship. My friend, no longer choose to turn away and ignore your own tears and calls for self-love and healing. Continue to pray, meditate and read books that help build your self-esteem. For now, keep money and your personal relationships separate. If you still desire to give money, give money to an established charity where you know it will go to a good cause.

You mentioned: “I know God does not tell us to unlock our doors and let others in to hurt us, but…” As you continue to develop self-love, one of the tools that you will develop is establishing proper boundaries. This will be the beginning of the end of your “buts.” You will love and respect yourself enough to not open the door to someone you know has the capacity to “become physically dangerous.” Even if such an individual is “desperately seeking help” and “begging for a friendship,” next time he comes knocking, you will no longer open the door. You will very lovingly slip a piece of paper under the door with the phone numbers of clinics that are trained to help him manage and control his self-hatred, anger and rage. If he still continues to knock, you will very lovingly call 911 and ask the police to show him the way to the clinic. If he still keeps on knocking, you will very lovingly seek a restraining order. If he continues to knock, you will very lovingly enforce the restraining order by calling the police every single time he violates its terms. Finally, you will very respectfully and lovingly meet him in court and send him away to jail where he can have a little more time to think about the wisdom of going to the anger management clinic. But you will no longer have the need to open the door to such an individual.


This Q&A Includes The Following Topics:
  • Giving to people who abuse or take advantage of you..

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