How To Move Beyond The Shame & Judgment Of A Failed Relationship

Ask the Author: Question & Response

I am reading your writings. I am very impressed. I thought I had failed at my 2nd marriage. This is what I have been misperceiving and so I have been mentally beating myself up for no reason. I have felt embarrassed and ashamed in society due to this 2nd divorce and have lost my inner peace. Help me!

 – Name withheld for privacy, USA

My friend, the confusion you feel is, in part, the result of having forgotten your true home. Your true home is not a place where emotions such as embarrassment and shame exist. Your true home is not a place where judgment flourishes, or where pain has any ground to grow. Your true home is a place where peace forever surrounds you in God’s loving light, and where joy and love expand from within you into all you see.

My friend, the confusion you feel is partially a result of having forgotten your Creator and what He expressed in His creation. You are God’s creation. God thought and created you. If you, even for an instant in time, allowed the previous statement to truly touch your heart, you would fall to your knees in appreciation. Tears of joy would stroke your checks, and you would once again feel your truth embracing you. You are, in the most literal sense, the physical manifestation of God’s thought on Earth.

You have chosen to express God’s thought on this planet, and to express this truth to others, and that is, in part, why you are here. Thus, when you are doing this through acts of love, compassion and forgiveness, a sense of accomplishing your mission is felt and experienced. When you are doing otherwise, through human inventions such as judgment, shame and embarrassment, then a sense of incompletion is felt, as if something is not quite right, resulting in confusion and chaos.

Since you were very young, those “in the know,” such as family, teachers, etc., likely taught you the best they could at the time. They told you some things that are true, and some things that are simply inventions of society, inventions used to describe their own confusion. Choose not to judge them, for they have simply repeated the same fairy tale that they themselves were told. They were also taught that this fairy tale was true, and thus they taught it as truth to you. But little by little, you’re starting to see that not everything they taught was true – is true. For the real truth only comes about when you express and expand the Creator through you to others.

Such things as embarrassment, shame, and judging oneself and others are simply inventions of society. Have you actually convinced yourself that you came from Heaven, your true home, with these ideas nailed through your heart and mind? My dear friend, you are now getting that you no longer need to carry the crown of thorns this world has offered as solutions to your confusion, the confusion they themselves planted on you. Many still carry crowns of thorns with them. Many still support self-judgment, judgment of others, shame and humiliation in their lives as actual solutions to their confusion. But do not judge them, for they do not know what they are doing.

My friend, if there is one thing I can promise you, it is this: you will never, ever experience a relationship, be it one minute long or one lifetime long, that is a failure. Please listen carefully, failure is an invention of society! Failure is a fairy tale taught to us as a truth. Failure was invented by confused minds in an effort to replace God’s plan. Their confused plan for their lives was not going the way they had planned, thus something must be wrong, someone or something must have failed them. No, the one and only reason a fairy tale such as failure exists is because there is a lack of faith in God’s plan. No one, and I literally mean no one who truly trusts God’s plan, will see themselves as a failure. They can not see themselves as a failure because there is no such thing as failure in God’s mind. If it does not come from God’s mind then it isn’t real; it isn’t truth; it isn’t who you or your brothers and sisters are. Somewhere deep within, you know that this is so.

When the time comes for you to return home, you will see how all the pieces fit so perfectly together. You will embrace each and every one of those pieces you once judged, and thank them for their participation in your life. You will experience so much gratitude for each and every moment, and each and every person, that the love and gratitude you will express will touch all those around you. Tears of joy will fall to the ground. Angels will join you in your praise, and you will experience a choir that far surpasses any ever heard on Earth.

Yet my friend, you do not need to wait for your return home to express your gratitude! The moment is yours to do, feel, express and act as you will. The present moment is God’s gift to you. Allow God to express Himself through you, and you will want no other way.

Whenever judgment’s fairy tale tries to blow your house down, remember who built your house, and laugh the judgment away. Gift all your insecurities over to the One who knows the truth in you. Gift your judgment of others to God and watch it melt in His light. No longer carry what you know, in your heart, you have no use for. Let go of what you no longer need. Let go of the practice of judging yourself, for there is no judgment in God.

My dear friend, allow me to say that it is impossible to lose your inner peace. Your inner peace is who you are. It is like saying that you have lost your soul, or you have lost your connection to God. These are all, in the most literal sense, impossible. What is possible is believing that such a thing is possible. This is only possible because you have been read to and bought into confusion’s dictionary. What is possible is covering your truth over with a blanket of fairy tales you believe more strongly in. It is possible to value something more than your peace of mind, and thus cover peace with what you value more.

Confused by the fairy tale’s messages, you may have convinced yourself that you’re in need of punishment. Thus as self-punishment, you unconsciously choose to hide your peace of mind from yourself. You do this because you do not believe you are worthy of having it. But punishment and self-punishment are acts of the confused, not of God. And if it’s not of God, then it’s not of your true self; for your true self and God are one. You have bought into the confused idea that it is possible, and thus you are experiencing it as so. For you value what you believe, and what you believe – you will see.

If you are now confused, it is because the world that you are taking advice from is confused. Understand where you are getting advice from. Take a good look at this world. Where is it now? Isn’t this world participating and dealing with a massive level of confusion and chaos? Can such a world truly teach you peace of mind and joy? Do you not see that this world’s external struggle is a manifestation of its internal struggle? Do you really think that if most of the people on this planet were aware of the peace of mind and love in their hearts – the world would physically manifest like it is? My friend, lack of peace in the external world comes from a lack of peace in people’s internal worlds. And this world is simply the physical manifestation of the collective internal world of the people living here.

The physical world is a gift to us. It physically shows us where we are within our hearts and minds. Equally so, your external world is simply a manifestation of where you are now within your heart and mind. Use this knowledge to start letting go of the illusions you carry about yourself and others. You do not need to carry anything that is not truly yours. Your true self, as hidden from you as it may be, is loving, compassionate, caring and forgiving. There is nothing you can do to change this because this is your true essence, your Godself. You may currently see yourself as having “committed” all types of “sins” and thus believe that you are not worthy of the treasure you carry within. But my dear friend, there is nothing that you need to do to experience your treasure. Your treasure is your inheritance, and your inheritance has been gifted to you by God himself. Your Godself is already within you. It will always be within you. It will never leave you. You can choose not to focus on it, and thus forget about it for a while. But it patiently waits for you to return your attention to it. Once you choose to place your attention on it, you will feel and experience the love you truly are.

My dear friend, listen carefully for I have witnessed God’s absolute love for all. There is nothing you can ever do, and I mean this in every sense, that would affect God’s eternal love for you. God can only love you, because God is only love. God sees your every step as a step toward him. Sure, as a young child would, you may trip, sometimes fall, but each step, knowingly or not, is a step you take toward God. Remember your child as he was first learning to walk. When he was walking toward you, how did you feel? Did you love him any less because he did not walk a straight line toward you? Did you love him any less when he walked away from you? Did you love him any less when he tripped, or did you help him up with a smile and let him continue on his journey toward you? My dear friend, multiply those feelings you have for your own child a thousand times and you just might begin to conceptualize God’s absolute and unconditional love for you!

Lay down judgment; lay down your sword, for what peace or happiness has the sword of judgment ever brought? Do you want conflict or do you want the peace of God? When you judge something or someone, know that it is not your truth. It is not your Godself doing so. It is your trained self, your ego-self, reacting as you have been trained to react. Do not even judge yourself for judging others, for that is what the ego-self would do. Instead, simply observe what you are doing, stop, and then once again ask yourself, “Do I want the sword of judgment or the peace of God?”

Society has no control over you, other than the control you give to it. If you sense others judging you, say to yourself what a great man once said: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” If your brothers or sisters judge you, know that it’s not the truth in them that is judging you. The part of them that judges you is that child part of them that believes the fairy tale that was taught to them as true – is true. Would you judge a child for believing a fairy tale is true? Would you judge a child if he shapes his hand like a gun and shoots at you? Only the child in you would be bothered by such actions. My dear friend, you will never be judged by anyone’s true self because judgment does not exist in truth. Judgment does not exist in God, and thus judgment does not exist in the true you.

Stand with your head held high, knowing that there is no distance between you and God. God is in you now. Allow Him to flow through you. Be a reminder to others of their true home. Be a reminder to others that Heaven is a choice we make. Every moment is God’s gift to us. Every moment offers us the opportunity to choose God’s peace over our swords. Every moment, knowingly or not, we make this choice. It is the choice that we value most that we will end up experiencing. My dear friend, rise up from the dust and look upon your brothers and sisters as guiltless. For in doing so, you will be teaching and reminding yourself of your own innocence. Accept your Father’s inheritance now. Bring the truth, love and compassion that is within you – out. Expand this truth to all others, regardless of who they are, or how worthy of it the fairy tale tells you they are. Be an example to others of the truth within us all.

This Q&A Includes The Following Topics:
  • Embarrassed and ashamed about “failed” relationships.
  • Moving beyond feeling judged and judging your self.


This question and response can be found in the book - There is Another Way: Overcoming Real World Challenges. If you enjoyed this Q&A, you'll really enjoy the book which is filled with inspiration and effective strategies for overcoming life's challenges. The book is due to come out in 2025. Click here to sign up for our newsletter so that you can be notified when it is ready. Thanks.

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Comments (3)

Wow I hold my head up high and walk out.

Thank you Amanda for being open to the message. Peace. JBC

Hi, How do you attain peace of mind when you have been cruely neglected as a child, abused as an adult, all your relations abandoning you from the moment you were born and to this day after a terrible seperation you have no friends either.

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