Ask the Author: Question & Response
Two years ago, my fiancé cheated on me. He told me about it, told me he was sorry and would do whatever it takes to make it right. He has tried, I will give him that. But for some reason, I just won’t let it go. I do not know how. All I have done since that day is put him down and throw every single little thing he has done wrong in his face. I find fault in everything he says and does. I guess in a sense, one could say I am trying to hurt him like he hurt me. I grew up in a Christian family, but I have not always lived that life. I feel as if I am lost and do not know where to go from here. I do not want to lose him, because honestly he is a great person. I know God has a plan for everyone, and everything happens for a reason. How do you forgive someone? How do you just let go of the anger and move on? I need to know and I have prayed and prayed. How do we move on and forget what has been done to us? I know Jesus did, and I wish I was that strong. I told my fiancé that I did forgive him, but I really haven’t. I don’t like lying. I need to forgive him.
– Nikki, Kentucky, USA
There is nothing wrong with you or your fiancé. You were simply given an incomplete map. Those who gave you the map believed it was complete because those who gave them the map said so.
In life, you have learned how to react and behave mainly by the examples set by your family, friends and society. Most, if not all, had your best interests in mind, but they could only teach you what they knew; and how to react to life the way they learned how to react. Many of their lessons have been helpful and some have not been. But do not judge them, for they only taught you what they were taught. And so this is where you are today – reacting to life the way you learned and were taught to react; interacting with your fellow beings the way you were programmed. But you are not your programmed self. The truth within you is that you are a completely loving and compassionate human being. Despite having this treasure hidden from you, something tells you that you have the capacity for more love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding.
Deep down inside, you know that there is something missing in the lesson plan, that the journey is not over, nor have you reached the destination you desire. You know this, and thus your prayers for assistance. Today, I am a witness that your prayers have been answered and that you are now on the verge, just a few choices away, from taking a wonderful step toward your true home.
It is because of your current need to express your true self that this question has surfaced. It is because of who and where you are today that you have brought about this opportunity for a truer self-expression. It is because of who you are today that you manifested this question and response which will eventually help many people grow in ways that will assist this planet in getting to a more peaceful and forgiving place. So do not judge who you are today, but respect who you are, for you have awakened a memory within us all, a memory that will lighten the world’s load.
You desire a moment, a holy instant, where the past is gone. You desire a place where the peace of God surrounds you in its soft embrace, and where forgiveness flows to all you look upon. This is your true home and what you are asking yourself to remember and express.
Whenever you experience peace, love, forgiveness, joy and abundance, know that you are living in this place, the present moment, and thank all of your friends and family who assisted you in getting here. Whenever you experience judgment, stress, confusion and regret, know that you are living in the past. But instead of judging yourself, your family or friends for being lost, thank them, for they are showing you a place where you desire not to be, and you can now cross it off your map, and move in the desired direction.
You can choose to live in the past or the present, in pain or peace, in judgment or forgiveness, in condemnation or compassion. In the moment, you can only have one true home, and it is the place that you value most in every occasion that you will call home and end up experiencing. These are the choices you have in every moment. Every moment you choose between living in Hell or Heaven, but know this – it is your choice.
When you choose Hell, by choosing judgment, stress, fear or condemnation, do not curse yourself or your situation. Smile and thank it, for Hell is simply a reminder of where you truly desire not to be. And Heaven is always just a choice away. But it is you, even when everyone and everything else is telling you otherwise, who must stand up straight and look in Heaven’s direction in order to experience it.
1. Anger, regardless of form, comes about because of unforgiveness. When you feel angry, simply say to yourself: “I can forgive and see this differently.” These words will end the dream of sin and rid the mind of anger. These words will give you power over events that now seem to have power over you. Apply these words to everything you see and everyone you look upon. God wills you to be spared from suffering, but only you have the final choice between peace or pain. Anytime your anger seems real, know that unforgiveness remains somewhere in your mind.
2. Place the past in God’s hands and the past will no longer punish you. God wishes you to experience His home. In every moment, you have the choice between God’s home or the ego’s delusions. How much longer will you buy into the ego’s deceptions that your brother deserves something less than your unconditional love and forgiveness? Place every apprehension, every care and every form of suffering in God’s hands.
3. Understand the difference between your brother and your brother’s action. Your brother is an eternal being. Your brother’s action lived for a short moment in time. Your brother’s action happened in the past, and only you can extend it into the present by choosing to focus on it. It is your thoughts, your reactions to his actions, not his actions that bring you anger. Thus rejoice, for your liberation depends on you! Once you understand that your emotional pain is caused by your own thoughts, you will take a step away from bondage, and take a step toward a place of freedom and peace.
4. In the present moment, if you can’t forgive your fiancé, ask God to forgive him for you. God lives within you and your fiancé. If, in the moment, you can’t find the strength to forgive your fiancé, then allow the God in you to forgive the God in your fiancé. God stands in front of you every time you see your brother. The freedom you gift to him will be experienced by you. You will walk toward Heaven or toward Hell, but not alone. God can not take your pain away from you without your willingness to release it. God needs you to prefer that He take it from you, than keep it for yourself.
5. You let go of anger by stopping your investment in anger. If you have a company that is failing, you can still keep it active as long as you want, as long as you keep investing more money into it. Anger is much the same. You can not continue to experience such an emotion unless you’re investing your time, energy and effort in supporting and feeding that emotion. The key here is you. You have the power to starve anger until it is too weak to participate in your life anymore, or feed it and allow it to fester and become an even bigger part of your life.
6. In the moment, if you allow the past to sneak in, simply forgive it, and give it over to God. You let go of the past by forgiving it. If you do, God will carry it for you and it will dissolve in His loving light. Forgive yourself for thinking of the past. Instead of judging the situation, as the ego has demanded you do so many times before, send a blessing to all involved in that situation, then let it go, and come back to the present moment. Then offer gratitude to God for letting you understand your own power, the power to participate in the present moment as you wish. Feel God’s gratitude for you, for He knows that you now can be an example to your lost brothers and sisters. Do this each and every time until it becomes second nature.
7. Understand that you and your brother are one, and what you do to him you do to yourself. Your brother is connected to God. You are connected to God. Thus you and your brother are connected to each other. Whatever you do to him, you will feel yourself. You are hurting yourself by bringing the past into the present. You are hurting inside, and you want your fiancé to understand that you are hurting, so you lash out at him in an effort to express your own pain.
It is you who chooses to let all these negative, heavy and painful feelings and emotions flow through you before they touch your brother. They flow through your brain, changing the chemical composition in your blood, that same blood that flows through your heart.
If you are hurting yourself, but do not realize that you are doing so, it creates confusion in your mind. If day after day, week after week, confusion piles upon itself, it will create a state of chaos. This confusion and chaos is self-inflicted. Once you realize this, you have an opportunity for great growth. For it is you who holds the key to your peace of mind and joy – you and no one else.
Instead of playing the ego’s game of trying to hurt your brother, and inadvertently hurting yourself, just make a decision that you no longer choose to play this absurd game! For your ability to feel judgment, pain and regret might be extensive, but it is not without limit. There will come a day when you will look in the mirror and say: “Enough is enough. I am finished hurting others. I am finished hurting myself.”
8. You have the power to create the life you want. All answers are within you now. Your question arose because the answer within you was asking for a verbal and physical expression to be manifested in your life. You mention that you told your fiancé that you did forgive him and at the same time you write: “All I have done since that day is put him down and throw every single little thing he has done wrong in his face.” If you do “thing A” once, and you do “thing B” a hundred times, which reality are you creating, supporting and manifesting in your life? It is you who has the power to create the life you want!
From now on, create the life you truly desire to experience. Each and every time you think about putting him down, each and every time you think of throwing every little thing he has done wrong in his face, and each and every time you find fault in something he does – STOP YOURSELF, and ask: “What is the life I truly want to live and experience? Do I want a life of judgment or forgiveness? A life of condemnation or compassion? A life of stress or peace?” Then invite God in, and have Him lead you. Allow Him to act and speak through you until you have enough clarity to act and speak for yourself.
9. What would Jesus do? (Note to readers: Please feel free to replace the name of Jesus with God or any self-actualized being you choose.) This is the one thought you need to repeat to yourself a hundred times a day until it becomes second nature. Jesus came to set an example. If you desire to be as strong as Jesus, you can do this! If you truly desire to follow His example, and one day, be the physical manifestation of that example to your children, then start today!
Each and every time the ego urges you to judge someone, stop yourself, and ask: “How would Jesus react?” And then react as He would. Every time a negative thought pops into your mind about yourself or your brother or sister, stop and ask yourself: “How would Jesus think about this person?” And then allow Him to think for you. Every time you catch yourself starting to do something that may be hurtful to yourself or others, stop and ask yourself: “What would Jesus do?” Then allow Him to act through you. Every time you notice yourself saying something that is nasty, gossipy or hurtful to someone, stop and ask yourself: “What would Jesus say to this person?” Then allow Him to speak through you. The more you do this, the more natural it will become.
10. Invite your fiancé to participate and become a full partner in your growth and development. Be honest with your fiancé about your desire to grow as a woman and partner. Share with him everything you are trying to accomplish. Share with him that you’re practicing staying in the moment and choosing compassionate behavior over condemnation, that you’re trying to let go of the past and live more lovingly and freely in the moment. Give your fiancé the permission to be open with you. Give him permission to express to you when he is feeling judged. Also, ask him to share with you when he notices you living more in the present moment. Little by little, do the same with your family and friends, and invite them to participate in your personal growth and development. I promise you, all will be blessed and grow because of your strength and courage.
You’ve had a deep internal desire to express your true self in your daily life, and thus your question was formed in order for you to more clearly see what you truly desire to experience. You hold the power to do with your life what you deem fit. Know that you have the strength of God within you now. He is asking you for a greater expression of Him through you. Be an example to your brothers and sisters that God lives in all of us, all the time. Every moment allows us to experience Him through the choices we make, through the thoughts we entertain, by what we say to each other, and how we choose to participate in each other’s lives.
The strength of God is in you now. You need to simply look His way and He will lead you to a more loving place for both you and your fiancé. This is God’s will for you: that you look upon all brothers and sisters through His eyes until you can see their divinity through your own eyes. The present moment always allows you to begin anew. It is here where God’s light brightens even the darkest day. Behold a new day is at hand, a day where compassion can now replace condemnation, where you finally let go of pain and experience the peace of mind you truly desire. Behold a day where fault no longer flies, where suffering no longer surfaces, where love is always available, and where forgiveness sets both of you free.
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