Chapter 4: A Fulfilling Life
You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey of Self-Awareness, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.
During the time that I was writing this chapter I had an OBE (out-of-body experience). I was out of my body and looking for a girl named Casey. I’m not sure what brought on this experience, but throughout the night I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I almost never have trouble sleeping, but on this particular night, I woke up almost every hour on the hour.
Finally, I decided that someone was trying to tell me something. I realized that someone wanted me to meditate, to be quiet and listen. So I did. A few minutes later, I found myself out of my body and in search of a girl from my past named Casey, someone I hadn’t thought about in a long time.
Casey was the most beautiful young lady I had ever seen. A natural beauty – she never needed makeup. I don’t remember angels looking that beautiful, and let me tell you I’ve seen a few. She literally took my breath away. A simple look at her would make my knees quiver. I can’t remember her eyes very well, for getting too near to her would make me nervous. But I believe her eyes were a mixture of light green and blue.
Interestingly enough, the first time I saw her, I had no such reaction. It was my first year at a Colorado university, and I was having lunch by myself in the cafeteria. She was sitting with a friend. I saw them, but really paid no attention to them. After a few minutes passed, she invited me to sit with them. I thought that all people in Colorado were this friendly, so I didn’t think too much of it. The year came and went, and I saw her around campus but really did not look at her twice.
Toward the end of my second year, Casey and three students were involved in a car accident in which she was the driver. One of the students died, another was very badly injured and the third recovered after some time. Casey did not receive any serious injuries, at least no physical injuries. Many of us in school were shocked by the news of the accident. Yet, I had no idea that Casey or the others were involved because, at that time, I had forgotten her name and simply did not know the others involved.
A Mass was held for them, and I chose to go simply to offer whatever spiritual help I could give. I cried during the Mass as I prayed for those involved. I was very surprised by my reaction. After the Mass, I found out who the people in the accident were.
Toward the final month of the school year, I noticed that Casey came back to school. I tried to talk to her, but the conversations were simple and I did not feel close enough to her to speak about the accident or anything too heavy. I could see that she simply was not all there.
Then, in my third and last year at the school, I became attracted to her in a way I could not explain. I could not understand what had happened to her or to me during that summer that so changed my attitude toward her. Suddenly, her beauty seemed overwhelming: a living angel, I thought. I had in the past dabbled in poetry, and my feelings for Casey brought back the desire to begin writing poetry again. I wrote a poem about her. I can’t recall it now, except maybe the first verse, which went something like this:
God, has an angel fallen from the sky?
If not tell me why,
Twenty times I would die,
For a glance from her eyes.
Although Casey and I talked here and there, I could not muster up the courage to ask her out. I decided that I had to find a civilized way to approach her, so on February 14th, amidst our conversation, I asked her if she had received flowers for Valentine’s Day. She responded that for the first time in her life she received no flowers. Well, I thought this was my big chance! The next day, I skipped my first class in order to get her a rose. We had the second class of the day together and after missing the first part of the class, I walked in quite late and received a critical glance from the professor. But nothing mattered now, for I was ready.
After class, I caught up with Casey on the way out. I was quite nervous for I had no idea how she would react. But I went for it. I shared with her that this should not be her first year without flowers, and I presented the rose to her. To my great surprise she seemed really happy to receive it. She even told me that I was now “on her list.” I guess that’s Colorado talk for being on her good side. Although I failed to ask her out, we talked a little bit, then went our separate ways.
However, I felt that she reacted so favorably to the rose that it would be great to present her with the poem I had written. So the next day I did. She never thanked me, so I felt maybe I had moved too fast, too soon. I was also too shy to ask her how she felt. I soon heard that she began seeing someone else and I decided to simply back off. We talked here and there, but our relationship never went beyond casual conversation.
Until the night of this OBE, I had always asked myself “What if I had tried harder to get to know her, what could have happened?” At least if I had asked her out, the worst that could have happened was that she could have said, “No thanks, psycho!” After graduation, I heard she married the person she was dating and had a child.
So why am I sharing this tale? After a very long time of not thinking about her, I found myself having an out-of-body experience, in search of Casey. I had no clue why I was looking for her and at that point, I did not even ask myself the question. I just knew that I wanted to find Casey.
During the OBE, I saw myself on a hill going downward, and I asked another spirit that was going up the hill where Casey was. She told me that she was at the “halfway house” and pointed in the direction of a yellow house toward the bottom of the hill. I thanked the spirit and went on my way. As I came closer to the house, I knew that I had been there before. It was a very familiar place for me. I walked up a couple of steps and entered through the door. On the other side of the house was a dirt and rock path where spirits were walking up and down the hill. Again I started walking downward looking for Casey. I said to myself, “I don’t care if kissing is not allowed in this place. The first time I see her, I am going to give her a big kiss on the lips. Even if they kick me out and send me to hell for rehab, I’m going for the lips!”
Interestingly enough, Casey was hiking up the path with three other people. I saw her and she saw me. She came toward me smiling her perfect smile. I looked at her, walked right up to her and laid a Hollywood movie-type kiss on her lips. “Wow,” I told myself, “that was a long time coming!” We both laughed a little and started talking.
We talked about missing our path, although I don’t recall if “path” was the actual word mentioned. I told her that it was my fault and that I had been too nervous and shy to ask her out. She kindly told me that she understood that it was my tough childhood that made me react to her the way that I had. She told me not to feel badly because she took another path after we had missed ours. She told me she was with a new “client.” I said, “Who do you mean?” wondering about the use of the word client; “Your husband?” She answered, “Yes.” I asked her where she was currently on the physical plane, and although she understood my intention, she did not say. She said we might meet again, and that made me happy. She also said something about meeting in a yellow house, and I thought she might have meant the halfway house I had come through to find her. In the end, she said she had to go. I hugged her and she disappeared. As she disappeared, I found myself back in my body.
The reason I bring up this story is because I’ve often wondered about missing certain “primary paths” while here on Earth due to whatever psychological situation I find myself in. Maybe at that point I was not at the level I needed to be to complete that path so I missed the path with Casey. Casey said I should not worry because she had taken another path. I believe the path she took was another primary path rather than a secondary “just in case” path. I believe that, due to the circumstances involved and where we were in our lives, our getting together would not have been the most opportunistic situation available for our growth at that moment in time.
This brings me to an important point. Some of us have the perception that we have missed our path and, as a result, cannot live a fulfilling life. Most of us have had opportunities, relationships and friendships that we believe never got to “the next level.” Somewhere in our hearts, we feel that we blew it! We think that we just didn’t make it happen, that the relationship somehow should have been more. Most of us have that feeling, and live with those feelings with a little sadness because of the way certain things, events or relationships turned out. This is a little bit tough, and I know and understand how people feel because, as illustrated, I have felt this way myself.
So what do we do about these feelings? How can we see things differently? Is there another way of looking at this? Again we have to start with remembering who we are and where we come from. We must try to remember our truth, our base for whatever we experience. We are a part of God, and God is only Love. Therefore, we are only love, and to feel anything other than love for ourselves is simply unnatural. We know that peace of mind is our natural state of being. So how do we remember our natural state in such situations?
Right now, we might be feeling a little sadness because we believe that somehow we have missed our mission, that we have lost an opportunity – that we have blown it. Yet, in being silent, we recognize that this feeling is simply unnatural. It is not, in truth, what we are about. We have faith that everything that happens to us happens for a reason, the reason being our own growth and our own good. Because it happens for our own growth and good, it can then be regarded as a gift and not as a lost opportunity or a missed mission. When someone gives you a present, your natural impulse is not to feel sad, but happy and thankful. If you cry at all, it is not because of sadness but because you are grateful. Every experience you have offered yourself is a wonderful gift, so be grateful for it. Be happy, smile and laugh. Not only have you offered yourself this wonderful gift, but all those involved have played an important part in your receiving this gift. Be grateful for them, for they have offered you an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to be more at peace with yourself and to learn.
Today, when I think of Casey, I smile. I thank her in my heart for being a very special person in my life. In her own way, she helped me on my journey toward remembering my Godself. She offered me a wonderful gift; she allowed me to remember that everything that happens, regardless of how I might see it at that moment, is a gift and an opportunity for growth. It is an opportunity to be grateful to my fellow traveler. As she offered me a gift, so too did I assist her on her journey. I allowed her the freedom to pursue what she needed most at that time and in those circumstances. A new and perfect mission was laid for us from which to learn. Although I may never see her again – physically, spiritually in my memories and in my heart, we will always be together. And who knows, maybe we’ll meet outside the body again in that yellow house. If we do, I promise you this, I will surely try to steal another kiss.
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