Chapter 3: The Godself
You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey of Self-Awareness, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.
I was in high school in the early to mid eighties. The Tylenol scare was in the news. Some lost individual was putting cyanide in Tylenol pills, and two people in the United States died as a result. Everyone seemed pretty spooked. One day I was shopping with my mother and grandmother. I won’t make any comments about shopping with them, but on this particular day, let’s just say I got a headache. I told my mother about the headache, and she asked a waiter at a restaurant in the mall if he had any aspirin. The waiter gave me an aspirin and I took it. About a minute later, I recalled the whole Tylenol scare and I had my first panic attack. In truth, there was nothing wrong with the aspirin, but somewhere in my mind when I made the connection, I got scared and panicked.
In the next month, I had many more panic attacks. My mother took me to a hospital. They did all kinds of tests and found nothing. Nobody ever mentioned the phrase “panic attack” to me. It wasn’t until years later that I found out there was a name for what I went through. Little by little, I could tell that I was making myself sick. Something – anything would set off the attacks, and I could feel my blood pressure rising, my heart pumping. I would become hot and dizzy. After about a month of these attacks, a month of feeling like crap, in and out of bed, I decided that enough was enough, and that if I was doing this to myself then I could also undo it.
I started working to understand the thoughts that were coming into my mind that were resulting in such a negative and fearful reaction. After working on my mind for the next couple of months, the attacks became less frequent and less severe. I was able to get to a point where I understood where my mind was headed, and I stopped the attacks from debilitating me. The more I watched over my mind, the more I was able to understand that the thoughts that were coming in – I was allowing in. Not only was I allowing the thoughts to come into my mind, but I was also putting a personal value on each one. The more I valued a thought, the more I focused on it, and the more I focused on it, the more it affected my mental, emotional and physical state. About a year after they began, the panic attacks completely stopped. My mind had made me sick and my mind had healed me. I was now in full control of my mind. I became truly in awe of the power of the mind. Yet, somehow I understood that I was more than my mind, but that I could still use it as a tool and have it work for or against me. I believe that my interest in psychology and philosophy began about that time. I just knew that there was a lot more to the mind than we were being taught or told.
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